I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”