wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Not all heroes wear capes…
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
mathematically impossible
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*