Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better