“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.