Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Ugh
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
That’s fair
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.