Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”