Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.