“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka