Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
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Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
bad
worse
worst
worchester
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
This is not me but this is me
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark