LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”