[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
There’s only one good girl here!
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized