I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
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[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?