Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]