I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
You Might Also Like
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.