The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I have never related to anyone more.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.