Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.