Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
You Might Also Like
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
So creative 😂
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Still my favourite meme.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.