We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered