Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
This cat wants you to take your pills
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down