I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”