Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?