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therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?