Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing