Well, this explains it:
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly