A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Well, this explains it:
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)