Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*