4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
🤣🤣🤣
Pot warmers of the day.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.