Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
You Might Also Like
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.