You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
😂 amazing answer
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free