I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My daily affirmation
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available