America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140