*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance