A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
2022 will be better than 2021
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
This is hilarious….
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in