How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding