someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}