In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain