Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know