I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down