Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over