My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
You Might Also Like
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.