Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The Assassin.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.