When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*