*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I hate my earbuds.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”