“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
my one true gender
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.