Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Pi帽atas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
馃
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Breaking news:
It鈥檚 important to tell everyone you think Valentine鈥檚 Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.