Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
You Might Also Like
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.