Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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The sacred texts.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”