JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day