casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.