I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect